


I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

by ShinobiShan



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: But not forever, Captain Crozier is a bit of a meanie, Fluff, M/M, Mental Instability, Touch-Starved, our icy boys being oh so soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 03:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20108323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinobiShan/pseuds/ShinobiShan
Summary: Thomas never neglects his duties, but sometimes there are more important things than making sure the Captain's glass is full.





	I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

**Author's Note:**

> So I am currently on my second watch of The Terror, and I finally decided to dive into some writing.
> 
> One of the things that stands out most for me amongst the horror and the violence is how much care and kindness the characters show each other, and honestly I felt like Lt Little could use some more of that love.
> 
> This is a slight deviation on what actually happened in episode five for the convenience of the plot, although none of this is really canon compliant anyway haha.
> 
> Happy reading!

“I’m sorry Captain, but Commander Fitzjames is refusing to relinquish any of his personal store.” Lieutenant Little managed to say in a surprisingly steady voice, his teeth still chattering with the cold.

“Damn him!” Captain Crozier slammed his fist on the table, causing the other men in the room to flinch. 

“You go back right now and tell that pompous ass that he has no right to refuse the demands of his Captain!”

Everyone around the table remained silent, all inevitably sharing the same thought. This would be Little’s third trip across the ice this evening, and judging by the way the man was shaking, it could very well be his last.

“Captain I…”

“Leave the man be Francis, no one should be out in that hell right now. Do you want to lose another man tonight?” Mr Blanky’s gruff voice cut through his words, and Edward was sure he’d never been more grateful to hear anything in his life.

Captain Crozier’s face darkened towards his old friend, but instead of protesting he turned to call for his steward through the open door.

“Jopson!”

Thomas appeared almost immediately at the entrance, looking more flustered than Edward had ever seen him. His cheeks were tinged with pink, and there was a slight sheen of sweat coating his brow, as if he’d just been running.

They locked eyes for a moment as Jopson entered the room, and Edward felt a familiar warmth rising through his chest under the steward’s gaze.

He looked so warm, and Edward longed to reach out and soothe his almost frozen fingers against that heated skin.

“Sir?” Jopson quickly turned his attention to the captain, and Edward didn’t miss the breathless tone in his voice.

“Where are those bottles I asked for?” Crozier’s voice was twisted with anger and desperation, and the sound helped wrench Edward from his potentially dangerous thoughts.

“I’m sorry sir, I was just…”

“Lieutenant Little here has been to Erebus and back already, and you’re telling me you haven’t managed to get two damned bottles of whiskey from my stores?” Crozier took a step towards Jopson, and instantly Edward felt his tired muscles stiffen, ready to act.

“I apologise sir, there was…an urgent matter to attend to. I’ll fetch the bottles right away.” Jopson quickly turned back towards the door, and disappeared without another word.

“Well clearly no one on this damned ship seems inclined to listen to me tonight, so perhaps it is time we retire.” Crozier seemed a little more composed now, but there was still a definite edge to his voice. 

“I expect a full report on the ice in the morning, Mr Blanky, and you had best relay my message to Commander Fitzjames before noon tomorrow, Lieutenant Little.” 

“Yes, sir.” Both men replied in unison, and immediately turned to follow Jopson’s path out of the room, grateful to leave their Captain behind for the night.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, before Mr Blanky turned towards him.

“Don’t think too badly of him Lieutenant, he’s dealing with things the rest of us can only imagine.” Mr Blanky’s words were heavy with concern.

“I would never think ill of our Captain sir, I only hope that whatever plagues him can be remedied soon.” Edward gave his companion a reassuring nod.

“As do I Lieutenant, as do I. Now get yourself warmed up and rest well, I doubt the weather is going to be any more forgiving in the morning.” The older man gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before heading towards his own quarters.

Now that he was alone Edward was truly struck by how tired he was, and the cold which seeped in from long melted snow on his coat was causing his skin to burn, even under all of the layers. His left foot was still a little numb, and he was slightly concerned about any permanent damage that might have been caused.

All he could think about now however was crawling into his bed, and hoping that the morning might bring them all some respite.

His weary feet begrudgingly delivered him to his cabin, and as he slid open the door he was greeted with a sight that almost didn’t seem real.

His small bed had been neatly turned down, and there were at least two extra blankets draped over his usual sheets. There was a cup of still steaming tea sitting on his bedside table, and a small foot warmer crackling away happily at the end of the bunk.

He blinked a few times as he surveyed the room, wondering if this was some type of hypothermia induced hallucination, when his mind was flooded with images of flushed cheeks and breathless words.

“The fool.” Edward smiled and shook his head, knowing there was only one person who could have been responsible for this.

He didn’t understand why Jopson cared for him the way he did, he’d certainly never done anything to warrant himself worthy of the man’s attentions. But he’d never missed the fact that his portions always seemed slightly larger than anyone else’s at the Captain’s table, or how his tea always seemed to have more sugar than he was probably allowed.

The stolen glances and unspoken words had become a common exchange between them, but they both knew that this was neither the time nor the place to take things any further. He wasn’t even completely certain what Jopson meant by his actions, and he knew that it was probably a mystery better left unsolved. No matter how much he longed to discover the answer.

This…this was something different though. This went beyond just simple generosity, or a look across a cabin, and Edward felt a warmth blooming in his chest that had nothing to do with the temperature of his room.

He finally began to strip off his damp clothes, hanging them close to the little stove so that they’d be dry in the morning. Next he rid himself of his boots and stockings, and was relieved there appeared to be no lasting damage to his foot. 

He slid carefully onto the mattress, pulling the bedding up around his shoulders and revelling in the warmth and relief he felt there. His head found the pillow immediately, and he was vaguely aware of the comforting scent coming from the blankets around him. They smelled like home.

He wasn’t sure if it was the exertions of the day, the mood of the captain, or just this godforsaken place, but something stirred within him as he lay there in the silence of the almost empty ship.

He’d heard some of the other men talking about feelings of darkness, or how they couldn’t trust themselves to be alone, and Edward felt it now too. 

He needed something to tether him back to the world. To assure him he was still alive, and had not perished out there on the cold ice like so many of his brothers. 

He knew he was being weak, that many had suffered far worse than him, but he couldn’t help imagining what it would be like to have someone there with him. Someone to take his hand in hard times, or hold him close as he fought with the nightmares that plagued his sleep.

But it wasn’t just any someone he imagined now. It was a familiar pair of eyes that were almost the same colour as the sea on a calm day. An easy smile that seemed so distant from the horrors outside the ship. And a presence that lingered even when the man himself was gone, reassuring him that he was not alone.

He pulled the blankets even tighter around himself, realising now that they didn’t smell like home, they smelled like Thomas. 

And that maybe that was the same thing. 

*** 

It had already gone six bells when Thomas finally managed to free himself from the Captain’s service for a moment, and he immediately darted off in the direction of the officer’s quarters. Crozier’s mood had lifted slightly with the start of a new day, but he had kept his steward sufficiently busy throughout the entire morning.

In truth Thomas felt slightly guilty for neglecting his duties the previous evening, but some things were more important than ensuring the Captain had a full glass.

He didn’t meet anyone as he made his way through the ship, and he was once again incredibly thankful that most of the men had decided to take up lodgings on Erebus. It certainly made it easier to get where you needed to go without being questioned.

When he finally reached his destination he took one last look around, before sliding quietly through the door and into the room beyond. 

He smiled as he took in the sight of the familiar cabin, almost exactly as he’d left it the previous evening save for the now rumpled sheets.

He’d only meant to come by to remove the stove and retrieve the teacup, but he now found himself being drawn to the pile of blankets still outlining where the previous occupant had lain.

He sat down carefully on the edge of the bed, smoothing a hand gently over the fabric, and wondering what Edward had thought when he’d returned to the cabin the previous night.

He still wasn’t sure what exactly had come over him, but when he’d heard the Captain order Edward back onto the ice for the second time that night, it was like something in him had finally given way. All those months of unspoken words and unanswered looks had pushed out the last few ounces of restraint he possessed, and now only want remained.

He wanted Edward to know that someone cared, that he wasn’t just another resource to be used up on this doomed voyage. He wanted him to feel safe, even though if was impossible for anyone to feel safe in this place. And most of all he wanted to be the one to give those things to him.

He didn’t regret what he’d done, but he did fear the repercussions of his actions should Edward ever choose to address them. 

He knew that was unlikely though, because they never addressed anything that transpired between them, no matter how desperately he longed to.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice the sound of approaching boots until the door slid open, and he was faced with a very cold, very perplexed looking Lieutenant. 

“Ed…Lieutenant Little! I didn’t expect you back until the noon bell.” Thomas rose so quickly from the bed that he almost lost his balance, grabbing the edge of the nightstand to steady himself.

Edward stood silent in the doorway for a few moments, his eyes narrowed with confusion, before he finally stepped a little further into the room.

“Can I help you, Mr Jopson?” The officer asked the question calmly, and Thomas was surprised by his seemingly tame response.

“I just came to retrieve the teacup sir, it’s from the Captain’s set and I didn’t want it to be missed.” Jopson fumbled as he grabbed for the piece of china beside him, and in his haste he almost dropped the delicate item.

Before he could even react, Edward was in front of him, steadying both him and the cup between his cold fingers.

Thomas let out a small gasp and immediately retracted his hand, standing upright and backing away slightly from the Lieutenant.

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know what has come over me. I’ll just collect the stove and be out of your way.” Jopson began to reach for the little iron warmer, but found his path blocked once again by Edward’s large form.

“Why did you do this?” Edward spoke softly, his face holding an expression that Thomas had never seen before.

“I…I worry about the well-being of the men, sir. I simply wished to make sure you were taken care of after your journey last night.” Thomas replied, trying to mask the embarrassment in his voice.

“Is that so?” Edward regarded him with a sceptical eye. “Did the rest of the party receive the same treatment then? I wasn’t aware we had so many extra blankets to go around.”

Immediately Thomas’s cheeks flushed red, and he lowered his eyes to the floor, his shoulder’s tensing slightly.

“No, sir. They did not.” He replied in a small voice.

“So whatever made you think it would be appropriate to come into my quarters without my permission?” Edward spoke with a tone of authority that was usually only reserved for unruly seamen.

“I didn’t think, sir. I understand if you would like to report this matter to the Captain.” 

Upon hearing those words Edward immediately felt guilty, and he sighed in frustration.

“I’m sorry Mr Jopson, that was unworthy of me. I do not mean to sound ungrateful.”

“There is no need to apologise sir, I overstepped.” Jopson’s voice was so soft now he could barely hear it.

Edward felt a strange unease in his chest as he watched the man in front of him, and he now wished for nothing more than to see those pale eyes fixed on his once more. Without considering his actions he took a step forward, reaching a hand under Jopson’s chin and gently lifting his face. 

“I just don’t understand, why would you do something like this for me?”

“Because I…” Thomas paused, struggling to find any words that would make sense to the Lieutenant.

“I just wanted you to know that I care about your safety. That…I see you.” Thomas swallowed, looking Edward in the eye for the first time.

The officer was silent, his eyes searching frantically over Thomas’s face, as if looking for some trace of a lie.

“We don’t have much out here sir, but we have each other. I just wanted you to know that I am here with you.” Thomas slowly reached for the same hand that had taken his chin moment’s before, holding it tightly between his fingers. 

“You are a foolish man Mr Jopson, don’t put yourself in line of the Captain’s wrath on my account again.” Edward finally spoke, his hand gripping back Thomas’s just as tightly. 

“I can’t promise you that, sir.” Thomas knew his response was pushing it, but a part of him wanted to push. To see what Edward would do when backed into a corner.

“You know this is completely against regulation.” Edward stepped ever so slightly closer.

“I’m sorry sir, I will not enter your quarters again without permission.” 

“That is not what I mean Thomas, I’m referring to the fact that you left a stove unattended on a ship. You could have burned us all to cinders.” Edward tried to sound stern, but all the energy was gone from his words.

Thomas’s heart jumped slightly at Edward’s use of his name. “Well, a fire like that might have at least melted some of this godforsaken ice.” 

“It certainly melted something.” Edward sighed, moving his hand now to brush his fingers lightly over Thomas’s cheek.

“And what is that, sir?” Thomas didn’t dare to move, the cold from Edward’s fingers creeping into his skin.

“My resolve. If it was ever there to begin with.” Edward shook his head as he slowly lowered his hand from Thomas’s face.

Immediately Thomas’s hand shot out to catch Edward’s retreating one, and he pulled it close to his chest.

“You’re cold again Lieutenant, let me help you.” Thomas reached down to take the officer’s other hand, and pulled them both in between his own. 

He leaned forward slightly and blew a warming breath over Edward’s chilled fingers, rubbing them softly with his own as he did.

The man in front of him stood completely silent, dark eyes searching his face with question.

“Have you already reported to the Captain?” Thomas asked, now rubbing his thumbs gently over Edward’s wrists.

“Yes.” Edward breathed out, holding as still as possible.

“And your duties?” 

“I am relieved until four bells.” 

“Then sit down.” Thomas gestured towards the bed, and Edward found himself obeying without question.

Once he was seated Thomas moved forward and began to undo the buttons on his greatcoat, his hand’s well practiced from his role as steward.

He worked his way slowly through the damp layers, until eventually he’d removed anything that might be causing Edward discomfort. 

He then knelt down and gently eased off the Lieutenant’s boots, setting them carefully to one side as he did.

Edward only watched him in silence as he worked, but he finally felt a firm hand on his shoulder as he reached for the officer’s stockings.

“You don’t need to do this, I’m not the Captain.” Little looked pained, his eye’s not meeting Thomas’s.

“I’m not doing this because I have to.” Thomas stood up slowly, reaching out to brush some stray hair from the Lieutenant’s eyes.

“But why?” Edward’s voice wavered as his hand reached out to grip the fabric of Thomas’s jacket.

“Because you don’t have to bear this all alone.” Thomas dropped his hand gently onto Edward’s head, fingers stroking slowly through the still damp strands.

It took a few moments, but slowly Edward leaned forward, resting his forehead on Thomas’s stomach and letting out a world-weary sigh. He was shivering slightly against him, and Thomas didn’t know whether it was from the cold, or from something else entirely.

“It’s all right, lay back and get some rest now.” Thomas soothed as he gently pushed Edward towards the pillows.

The man moved without much protest and allowed himself to be wrapped once more in the blankets he’d taken refuge in the previous evening.

Thomas ran a hand across Edward’s cheek one last time, before turning to leave.

He didn’t get very far though, as he was immediately caught by a firm grip on his sleeve.

“Stay.” Edward whispered behind him, and Thomas knew there was no way he could deny the man this small comfort.

“Of course.” Thomas moved to sit on the side of the bed, taking Edward’s hand in his own and rubbing soothing circles into his palm until the man was fast asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope you've enjoyed it so far!
> 
> I have a few more chapters planned for this story, so please let me know what you thought :)


End file.
